Noe Valley Couples Therapist - Counselor

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HomeSystems/Theory (Page 2)


Which (Not Who!) Comes First?

Sex and Emotional Intimacy It is often said that in heterosexual couples women get turned on by emotional intimacy while men access their emotional intimacy through sex. Of course there are exceptions, but for the most part this generalization holds true in my experience. What is the basis for this? Boys and Girls About 30 […]

Dan Siegel on How to Help Integrate Your Kids’ Brains

…And connect with them at the same time! Dan Siegel is a researcher at UCLA who has done lots of great work integrating neuroscience with attachment and mindfulness.  He’s also a great speaker if you ever get to see him.  This is a nice little snippet about how to “remember” events with your kids that […]

Does Couples Therapy Work? (And another great Brene video)

“Does Couples Therapy Work” was the (online) title of a provocative article in last week’s Sunday New York Times.  Below is my response, which I sent in as a letter to the editor. Does weather forecasting work?  Does orthopedics work?  You get the idea. Individuals are complicated and  when two people become a couple, the […]

Seven Good Reasons to Blame Your Partner (and Why None of Them Are Good Enough)

Reason #7 – It’s Easy! It’s always easier to see what someone else is doing wrong than what you are doing wrong. At one level this is a simple as that it’s easier to see the food stuck in your partner’s teeth than your own. To see your own you would first need to locate […]

Pinker, Language, and the Decline of Violence

A nice profile of Steven Pinker in the NYT:  Pinker Profile.  Among other things he discusses language and thought, and his new book on the surprising evolutionary decline of violence in human societies.  For couples (and society) there are a number of valuable messages, including working for peace rather than justice. And a video:

The Anatomy of Disconnection (and More on Cycles)

Margarita has posted another article on Psych Central (When Conversations Go Wrong) based on an expansion of the cycles section from my blog entry  Things I’ve Learned.  The new article is an attempt to capture some of the fundamental categories of response that maintain negative cycles, and some ways to exit those cycles. One of […]

Feedback Loops

Interesting article on feedback loops in the July ’11 Wired magazine: Feedback Loops.  Feedback loops are also how couples get stuck in negative cycles.  These cycles are more complex than most of what’s talked about in the Wired article since there are two people feeding back to each other and often amplifying the very qualities […]

How to Find a Couples Therapist

Couples Therapy is Different While there is certainly some overlap between individual and couples therapy, the latter is really a different animal.  (By the way, couples therapy, couples counseling, and marriage counseling are virtually interchangeable terms.) Individuals coming into therapy generally have some degree of motivation to work on themselves.  Partners coming into couples therapy […]


Good communication… Perhaps the most common reason that couples give for wanting therapy is “to improve our communication.” Sounds simple enough, right? But it turns out that communication is actually quite complex. As Pete Pearson of the Couple’s Institute in Menlo Park points out, good communication is not only the culmination of a pyramid of […]

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Top 10 psychologists in San Francisco, CA 2015

Congratulations to Robert Solley PhD for winning the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards in San Francisco Psychologist