Noe Valley Couples Therapist - Counselor

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Right & Wrong Cont’d: Apologies and Emergencies

I wrote previously about how right/wrong thinking can be problematic in relationships.  I’d like to expand that today in two common (and usually quite different!) areas: apologies and emergencies. When Apologies Are Hard Often in my sessions with couples there will come a point where an apology is needed.  Sometimes one partner will ask for […]

Holiday Stress: Recalculating

A nicely written little piece with an interesting idea for maintaining perspective at times of conflict: Recalculating.  Ms. Heffernan makes some intriguing points, including that technology can amplify our humanness as well as become a “triangulated third” in a couples dispute.  However, the part that really struck home for me was the idea of seeing […]

What They Really Mean Is…

Transmission – Reception In my previous blog article I talked about some of the “packaging” that can interfere with delivery of a message.  So it is helpful to know how to deliver a message, but it is also important to know how to receive one of those troublesome packages in the event that your partner […]

Getting Your Message Across

The Problem One of the biggest problems in couples communication is separating tone, attitude, provocation, and other aspects of the way a message is delivered from the intention of the message itself. When we are frustrated, disappointed, hurt, or otherwise in emotional pain those feelings color both the words that we use and especially the […]

Dan Siegel on How to Help Integrate Your Kids’ Brains

…And connect with them at the same time! Dan Siegel is a researcher at UCLA who has done lots of great work integrating neuroscience with attachment and mindfulness.  He’s also a great speaker if you ever get to see him.  This is a nice little snippet about how to “remember” events with your kids that […]

Does Couples Therapy Work? (And another great Brene video)

“Does Couples Therapy Work” was the (online) title of a provocative article in last week’s Sunday New York Times.  Below is my response, which I sent in as a letter to the editor. Does weather forecasting work?  Does orthopedics work?  You get the idea. Individuals are complicated and  when two people become a couple, the […]

From Self-Doubt to Self-Compassion

I’ve been meaning to link these wonderful talks for some time and have finally gotten around to it. They are both from the superb website Dharmaseed, which offers literally thousands of free recordings of respected Buddhist teachers. These are two of my favorites. The first is by Tara Brach (who is also a psychologist) about […]

Panacea #1 – Gratitude

If there is such a thing as a psychological panaceas, gratitude is surely one.  Easy to do, takes little time, and has a wide range of benefits for the person who feels/expresses the gratitude as well as those around him or her.  I often prescribe gratitude lists for couples, as well as individuals.  Here’s a […]

Raising Emotionally Intelligent Kids

For several years I have taught classes at a local parent resource center on this important topic. One of my clients just sent me a wonderful blog article that summarizes the crucial points quite concisely: Acknowledge.  For those who want to explore this further (which I highly recommend!), essential reading for parents is How to […]

The Anatomy of Disconnection (and More on Cycles)

Margarita has posted another article on Psych Central (When Conversations Go Wrong) based on an expansion of the cycles section from my blog entry  Things I’ve Learned.  The new article is an attempt to capture some of the fundamental categories of response that maintain negative cycles, and some ways to exit those cycles. One of […]

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Top 10 psychologists in San Francisco, CA 2015

Congratulations to Robert Solley PhD for winning the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards in San Francisco Psychologist