Frequently Asked Questions

If you’re asking that question, therapy may already be worth exploring. Many couples come in because they want better understanding, less conflict, and a more connected relationship.

I am a licensed psychologist and psychotherapist specializing in couples counseling and individual therapy. I brings experience, compassion, and a practical style to the work. Learn more about me here.

I listen deeply to help you understand your own and each other’s emotions and interactions. It’s important for a therapist working with a couple to be more active than is typical with an individual, and I would say I’m medium-active: not super chatty, but also not super quiet. I offer lots of structured protocols and resources tailored to your situation and what you’re working on at the moment. I also like to explain how things work, and lean on information and processes that are backed by research.

Although it’s the first thing most couples say they want help with, “communication” is so broad as to be almost meaningless. One of the things I say is that you “can’t not” communicate. Everything you do is communicating something (and often not what you intend, as different people interpret differently!). So it’s a given that it’s part of relationships, but I can help you break down more specifically where things are not working and how to improve them. (See Good Communication Is Built On a Pyramid.)

There are lots of more-effective ways to think about things. For starters, it is common for people to primarily blame their partners for what’s going wrong. The more difficult — but more helpful — approach is to think about what you yourself are doing that is having a negative impact on your partner, and start thinking about how to improve those things. Similarly, instead of thinking about what bothers you about your partner, start to think about things in terms of the differences between you, and how you can collaborate to work on those differences. (See How Do We Differ?)

Attachment theory has a lot of dimensions, but essentially it has to do with the degree of trust that a child develops — from infancy — in their parents, based on how attentive and consistent their parents’ caregiving is. That level of trust determines how a person views the world, especially their intimate partners, since an intimate partnership recreates some of the conditions of closeness and dependence that we had with our parents. Attachment-oriented therapy is based on these principles, and has to do with understanding how loving bonds are created, maintained, or eroded between people, and how to move people towards what is called "secure functioning." (See Love = Attachment.)

EFT stands for Emotionally Focused Therapy, which originated as couples therapy and was known by those initials. It is strongly rooted in attachment theory and, as the name implies, considers emotion to be central to how relationships operate. It was developed by Sue Johnson, who coined the phrase “emotion is the messenger of love.” (EFT has broadened to include individual and family therapy, each of which has its own acronym, and the current couples version is now technically called “EFCT for Couples Therapy,” though many still call it just EFT.)

John Gottman is the godfather of the most original and robust relationship research in the world. His longitudinal studies following couples for decades established causal patterns that cannot be studied any other way, revolutionizing the field in terms of busting myths and creating a foundation of understanding what makes relationships work or not. The Gottman approach is a set of principles and interventions stemming from his research. However, there is a lot of overlap between his findings, attachment theory, and other models.

Pete Pearson and Ellen Bader created this developmental model, which was one of the first couple-specific therapy models. It is based on the idea that relationships follow a sequence that parallels Margaret Mahler’s stages of infant development. A key concept is the idea of differentiation, which is the ability of individuals to know and express their emotions, wishes, and desires, and to tolerate differences between them. These skills and abilities underpin clear and productive negotiation, which is a bedrock of successful relationships.

After 20+ years of working with couples, I integrate many models into my own style, including those above plus elements of Stan Tatkin’s PACT Model and the work of Terry Real, Bill Doherty (including Discernment Counseling), and others.

Yes, I offer counseling for couples as well as individual adults who want support with relationship stress or personal emotional challenges.

Yes, I provide therapy (including CBT-I) for insomnia. If sleep problems are affecting your life, we can work on improvement.

Of course, everybody would love to know the answer to this question! But unfortunately, there are way too many variables to give any kind of estimation at the outset. Once I get to know you a little bit, maybe even after four or five sessions, I may be able to give you some idea. (See How Long Will Therapy Take?)

Both options are available for any session. In-person appointments are held at my office on Valencia Street in the Mission District of San Francisco. Online video sessions are available to clients throughout California.

Yes, I offer a free 15–20 minute initial consultation. It’s a chance to talk about what’s going on and see whether working together feels like a good fit. Simply submit the form on my contact page, call, or email.

Contact me using my Web form, by email, or by phone to set up a 15–20 minute Zoom consultation where you tell me a little bit of what’s going on, I can answer questions you might have, and we can see how things feel. Or if you’re ready to set up a first session, we can go ahead and schedule that.